Turning by Jessica J. Lee

Author:Jessica J. Lee
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Canada
Published: 2017-05-02T04:00:00+00:00

waiting

I’m biking east from Königs Wusterhausen when I hit the sand track. It runs into the forest as far as I can see, forming a thin, white margin between a scattering of pine stands and farm fields. I look at my map, frustrated, but it’s the best way through. I apologise to my bicycle and push on.

The track runs for seven kilometres from the small village of Senzig down towards Frauensee – ‘Women’s Lake’ – where I want to swim. It takes forever, and at every mound of thick sand I hop off my bike and walk for a bit, gazing up at the sky’s patch of sun and cloud. I set out late today and hope the daylight lasts long enough for a swim.

It’s December. Winter is arriving in patches: cold winds and grey skies, dark evenings swaddling the city streets. The brightness of this weekend is an anomaly, and I want to take it in, to take the light and the air into my lungs and hold them there until spring. Winter will bring its own pleasures – the ice especially – but sunshine is rarely one of them.

When I reach the lake, I follow a footpath eastwards, searching for the best spot to swim. It’s lined with reeds, and the far end of the lake peters out into sloping, scrubby banks and then rows of pine. On this side of the water, however, it’s sparse. Light reaches the ground in pale shafts through the gaps in the trees, mostly oaks. Sound carries over the lake too, voices chattering away. Ahead of me, there’s a group of elderly walkers clad in puffy winter jackets. One of them wears a Santa hat. They’re all carrying mistletoe out of the woods, approaching the campsite and youth centre nearby. A holiday fair is in full force, and the sounds of music are echoing through the trees. Christmas is coming soon.

I duck off the path behind them, watching them disappear towards the campsite, and carry on looking for a place to swim. Ahead of me I see a beach, so I rest my bicycle on its side and approach the water’s edge. It’s clear and sandy, and an unused dock stretches out along the edge of the reeds. Stripping down and stepping in, I find the water brisk but not too cold; some lakes seem to hold the heat better than others. Frauensee feels exactly right. I swim out on my back, but the sun is beginning to sink below the treeline and shadow creeps over the beach. The scent of wood smoke carries across the air, out on to the water, curling in towards evening. Dry warmth calling me back to shore.

—

The years I spent married had the opposite of their intended effect: a relationship designed to bring two people together instead taught me to be on my own, incrementally. I felt as though I’d spent those years holding my breath, swept under by some current that would grab hold again whenever I neared the surface.

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